wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
