people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
