my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
