Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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