Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
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Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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