Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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