is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
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I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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