She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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