It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I want her autograph on my taint
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
