I accidentally had phone sex last night
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
