I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
