That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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