I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
