I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
