Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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