glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
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When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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