glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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