Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
