Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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