Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
