Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
