if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
