cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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