You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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