The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
