I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
