Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
