i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
