I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
