I need to stop coming to work sober
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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