I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
