the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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