I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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