i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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