So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
