you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
