He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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