so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
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If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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