Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
