Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
