you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
