you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
