On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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