Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
