We won't sleep together?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
