I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
