Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
