wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
