I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
