either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
