I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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