not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
