She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
