Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
well I can't set my house on fire every night
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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