John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
