I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
