i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
