You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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