We need to rekindle our bromance
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
