One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
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What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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