Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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